A couple age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Doctor, Will you watch us have intercourse?"
The Doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the Doctor said "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $10.00.
This happened for several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, and then leave.
Finally the Doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $22.00, the Hilton charges $27.00, we do it here for $10.00 and I get $8.00 back from Medicare for every visit to the Doctor's office."

An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful. For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world. For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes. After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help.

Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.

The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem-- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

The Hunting Lodge

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just **** my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have **** my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!"

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!!"

The Nursing Home

At the Nursing Home a man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

Three Elderly Men

Three elderly men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The seventy-year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to tinkle."

The eighty-year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a BM."

The ninety-year old says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I flop like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

I know this is out of season, but I forgot to add it over Christmas :lol: :oops:

• You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)
• You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)
• You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)
• You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy).
• If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
• You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction).
• You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
• At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)
• You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points -- nobody but Angelinos are dumb enough to dress a car)
• After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
• Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)

• 20-30: You are just a cheese ball.
• 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
• 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

I can't believe it's been 2 years already! :shock: So much has happened since then :lol: One year ago at this time I set goals of where I wanted to be now. On the left is my original goal and on the right is the actual :D

200 reviews = 334 reviews

150 friends = 308 friends

2000 forum posts - 4,661 forum posts

1000 submissions = 1,368 submissions

439 blog entries = 393 blog entries

level 40 = level 30

Well, 4 out of 6 is still pretty good :oops: :lol:

Now to set new goals for this year :D *thinks* How about 500 reviews, 25 editorships, 7000 forum posts, 2500 submissions, 550 blog entries, and level 50 :D Those should be reachable :lol:

Read the title and the the author's name. The author's name usually has something to do with the title :lol:

1. The French Chef
   by Sue Flay
2. Unemployed
   by Anita Job
3. I Lived in Detroit
   by Helen Earth
4. Inflammation, Please
   by Arthur Itis
5. Handel's Messiah
   by Ollie Luyah
6. Downpour!
   by Wayne Dwops
7. Cloning
   by Ima Dubble
8. Irish Flooring
   by Lynn O'Leum
9. The Scent of a Man
   by Jim Nasium
10. Is O. J. Guilty?
    by Howard I. Know
11. Animal Illnesses
    by Ann Thrax
12. French Overpopulation
    by Francis Crowded
13. Fallen Underwear
    by Lucy Lastic
14. House Construction
    by Bill Jerome Home
15. Glass Bikini
    by Seymore Skynn
16. Yellow River
    by I. P. Freely
17. Sex on the Beach
    by Sandy Shortz

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!

1. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
2. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
3. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
4. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
5. You are so cute when you get mad.
6. You're just upset because your bottom is beginning to spread.
7. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
8. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
9. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of b*tch flakes this morning!
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
11. You're sounding more and more like your mother everyday.
12. Would you like some chocolate?
13. Maybe sex will help the situation (wink)

Remember how my foot was hurting at the slumber party? Well, my foot just kept getting worse yesterday, so my mom dragged me to the doctor :roll: :evil: Anyways, the good news is it's not broken :D The bad news is I have a partially torn tendon :shock: :cry: It still has a long way to go before it snaps completely, but I still have to be really cautious. I can no longer go up steps, stand on my tiptoes, run, jump, etc. I can't even stand on one foot! :evil: It's frustrating :cry: If the tendon does snap, then I'm going to have to have surgery :shock: :cry:

I told my anatomy and physiology teacher about my tendon and he said this: "Really! Ouch that's gotta hurt! The good part is, I can use you as an example since we're going to be learning about tendons and ligaments this week!" :| I still can't believe he said that :lol: