1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25. Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
26. And, if all else fails: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

This has got to be one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard:lol:

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished
to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope "Mom."

With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read
the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so
nice-even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle
clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and
Ahmed said that we will be very happy.

He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more
children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Ahmed taught me that marihuana doesn't really hurt anyone
and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for
all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get
better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how
to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit
so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Claire

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.

I love you!

P.S. Call when it is safe for me to come home.

:lol: That's all I heard last night:roll: Here's the story:

My two neighbors to the left and right of my house are really good friends. Zach, my neighbor to the left, owns a large trampoline. He and Justin, my neighbor to the right, jump on it all day. I don't think they have anything better to do with their time:roll:

At around 8 last night, they started yelling at each other. Since I'm nosy, I hid behind the garbage can outside to see what they were arguing about:lol::oops: Apparently, Justin stepped in dog crap and didn't clean it off his shoes when he got back on the trampoline:o Zach threw a fit and started yelling "Clean the dog crap off my trampoline!" at the top of his lungs. Justin refused to clean it up because it wasn't his trampoline and it wasn't his dog that "produced" the crap:lol:

Zach went to the shed and got hisbb gun and pointed it at Justin. He told him to either clean it up, or leave and never come back. When Justin didn't do anything, Zach fired up the gun and shot the ground where Justin was standing. Justin turned and ran as fast as he could across our yard and to his house:lol: Who knew a fat kid could run so fast:lol:

They are still arguing today since I don't hear them on the trampoline yet:roll: I thought this story was really funny:lol: You know what the sad part is: Zach is 14 and Justin is 19!:shock: You'd think they'd be more mature about this:lol:

What the police REALLY mean:

• While on routine patrol ...

  I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

• The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner.

  He had a bumper sticker that said "Slow Down. Don't Feed the Pigs."

• The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.

  It was raining.

• This officer went "out of service" to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.

  It was too hot to ride in the car.

• I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner.

  The dirtbag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

• Knowing the suspect had a criminal history ...

  He puked on my uniform one night.

• The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past.

  I've got two theft cases hanging over his head.

• While being arrested, the subject resisted, being injured in the act.

  He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirrored sunglasses.

• The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations.

  I wrote him one citation for each swear-word he used.

• Upon announcing my title and purpose I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in," so I entered through the door.

  The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army, so I kicked in the door.

• The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies.

  I sent them to a non-existent address which I called the "Command Post."

• I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding.

  She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and was free after my shift was over.

• The Chief appeared at the scene and took command.

  I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

• Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to conditions beyond my control.

  Tonight is my bowling night.

• The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment.

  I told him he didn't have the [guts] to call the judge the same name he called me.

This is one of my favorite jokes:D:

This past fall semester, at Georgia Tech University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem. final was on Monday, they decided to drive down to the University of Florida and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Tech until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Caffese after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they had driven down to Florida for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and the donut spare was flat. Unfortunately, they couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Professor Caffese thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied hard that night and went in the next day at the time that Professor Caffese had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a blue test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on that next page. It simply said:

(95 Points) Which tire?

As I've said before, I have hundreds of these so I will be posting them from time to time. Parts 1 and 2 were put up sometime in the past month or so.

1. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
2. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
3. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, foreign country, but never to guilt country.
4. Don't think that you're thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
5. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
6. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
7. Don't worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.
8. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
9. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
10. Earth first ... We'll mine the other planets later.
11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
12. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
13. Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise," I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
14. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
15. Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
16. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
17. Evil spelled backwards is live.
18. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
19. Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
20. Filthy stinking rich ... Well, two out of three ain't bad.

Some of these are ridiculous:lol:

1. I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
2. Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.
3. Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
4. Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
5. Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way 'round.
6. When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
7. Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed last night's Sopranos. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?
8. My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?
9. Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me.
10. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
11. From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
12. My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.
13. Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday ... or is it today?
14. When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door.
    P.S. Don't leave any milk.
15. No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!
2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own.
4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
5. For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
6. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
10. Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2:00 and 4:00 A.M.

Police officers see and hear some pretty strange stuff in the field. The following tips are submitted by a police officer in Beaumont, Texas, based on things he and some of his buddies have actually encountered, at work:

1. If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot, do pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
2. Don't invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed, if you have a pile of dope on the table in plain view.
3. When you go on a burglary spree, do ensure you have enough gas in your truck to drive away from your crime scene.
4. "But I know the people who live here," is not a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.
5. When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test, don't say, "Well, Hell, I can't do that sober!" on camera and then plead, not guilty.
6. If you are going to steal a car, do pick one that will blend in traffic, better than a pearl white 6-door limo.
7. Don't answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?", when the only people in a ten mile radius are you and the police officer.
8. Don't repeat the question that the officer just asked. That is a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are about to lie through your teeth.
9. Don't say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?", before the officer even introduces himself on the traffic stop.
10. Do pick an alias you can spell, before you lie to the police about your name.
11. Do ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give, when lying about your birthday.
12. When you attempt to drop your crack cocaine on the ground when approached by an officer, don't bounce said crack off the toe of the officer's boot.
13. Do come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my pants," when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.
14. Don't ask an off duty plain clothes officer, in his privately owned vehicle, for a ride away from your crime scene.
15. If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops will probably be able to figure out who dunnit.
16. If you plan to do a drive-by shooting on a moped, in the line of sight of an officer in a marked unit, do plan to spend a couple of nights in jail.
17. If you're going to stop by a restaurant and grab a bite and you see a uniformed police officer standing by the counter, do take the joint from behind your ear and leave it in the car, before you walk in.
18. If you are caught on video selling dope and viewing the video with your attorney in the investigations office, don't say. "Man, you got me good. Look, you can see the dope in my hand."
19. A good defense when caught selling dope on video tape is not, "That's not me, that's someone using my face."
20. Don't pick a fight with a stranger under a large bright sign that reads, P - O - L - I - C - E.

I had a very freaky dream last night about cannibals:o I don't know why I dreamed this. I think I need to go to counseling or something:lol:

My dream started out pretty normal. I was sitting in what looked likethe auditeria in my school. The room was full of kids from my school. I was sitting with my friends talking, though I can't remember what we were talking about:(

All of a sudden, the doors of the room busted open and in came these two scary looking people who sort of looked like wolves too. Everyone in the room screamed and tried to run to the exits, but we weren't fast enough and the two scary looking people chased us and ate our faces:cry:

After some of the people got eaten, the doors of the room opened and some of us were able to run away. The two cannibals continued to chase us down the hallways and stairs. I was the only student to make it out of the building alive:cry:

Once I was outside, I got into my little red car and tried to drive away. One of the cannibals (don't know what happened to the other one) got into a similar looking car and followed me. She tried to do something to make me stop, but it resulted in an accident. My car tipped over and her's rolled down the hill a ways.

A Parkview Hospital helicopter came to help us. One person went to help the cannibal, and the other helped me. The two of us watched as the other guy tried to help the cannibal, only to have the cannibal knock him down and eat his face. It was disgusting:cry:

The guy who helped me from my car grabbed me and pushed me into the helicopter to get away from the cannibal before it ate us too. The helicopter wouldn't fly any more, so we had to drive it down the street like a car. For some reason, I was now driving the helicopter:?

When we got to the hospital, I ran down the hallways trying to hide in case the cannibal came back for me. I ran into my parents on the ground floor. I tried to run past them, but my mom caught up to me and tried to tell me that my grandpa was in the hospital again because he puked:?:roll:

I got away from her and ran upstairs. I ran down the hallway and into a room. The room was a movie theatre:? There were people inside watching some chick flick. I ran down the aisle trying to find a seat to hide in, but someone grabbed my arm and stopped me. I looked to see who it was and it was the cannibal:shock::cry:

She dragged me back outside the room and then I woke up. I think I got eaten, but I'm glad I woke up before that could happen:)