1. This land is your land, this land is my land, so stay on your land.
2. Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good, you don't want to get off, and when it isn't....you can't wait to throw up.
3. Friendship is like money: easier made than kept.
4. A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.
5. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? (Yes!):lol:
6. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
7. Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.
8. Marriage is the relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
9. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.
10. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
11. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without - but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
12. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
13. True friends stab you in the front.
14. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
15. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
2. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
3. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
4. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
5. I live on a one-way dead-end street.
6. I doubt, therefore I might be.
7. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
8. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
9. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
10. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
11. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. ( I'm gonna try this someday:lol: )
12. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
13. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
14. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
15. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

This is sort of inappropriate, so read at your own risk!

Number 10: Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (umm OK, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)

Number 9: In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense...)

Number 8: In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Ouch!)

Number 7: Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (...a brick?)

Number 6: The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is capitation. (Wonder how they enforce that one?)

Number 5: There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

Number 4: In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. COOL)

Number 3: Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!)

Number 2: In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (We have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...)

And the wierdest law in the world is...

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (I shudder at the thought. How many of us would be virgins today?)

I have hundreds of these sayings so there may be several different parts. I'm not going to add them all this week, but I'll add them from time to time:D Some of these sayings are funny, true, random, stupid, knowledgeable, etc. It's quite a variety:lol: Parts 1, 2, and 3 were shown weeks ago:D

1. First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
2. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
3. Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
4. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
5. Gone crazy ... Be back shortly.
6. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
7. "Good morning" is an oxymoron.
8. Happiness has one great advantage over money. People don't try to borrow it.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
10. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
11. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
12. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
13. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
14. I distinctly remember forgetting that.
15. I don't get even, I get odder.
16. I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
17. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
18. I had amnesia once ... maybe twice.
19. I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
20. I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

I waited in line for half an hour at Kroger, stayed up all night, hurt my neck, and sobbed, but it was worth it:D:D:DI think this book is my favorite of the series. I was shocked that JK Rowling killed all of those main characters, but I'm glad she didn't kill Harry off:D

I cried every time a character died and when Harry was looking at Snape's memories through the pensieve:cry: I had to leave a box of kleenex in my room:lol: Voldemort is very obsessed:roll:Instead of one confrontation with Voldemort, there were like 4 or 5:shock: Their final battle was pretty awesome:D I can't wait to see what it looks like in the theatre:D Seeing them circle each other and have Harry tell Voldemort and everyone else how Dumbledore really died. The epilogue was cute seeing as Harry ended up with Ginny and Ron and Hermione ended up together:D

My eyes are burning and watering from lack of sleep and my head hurts something fierce:x I'm gonna sleep good tonight:wink::D Who else read the book?:D

EDIT: Harry never got his Firebolt back, did he?:?

I got my braces yesterday:D I was excited about getting them, but now I'm really beginning to hate them:( They hurt sooooooooo bad!!!:cry::cry::cry: I can't even eat a cookie:evil: I'm starving to death, but I can't fix anything soft to eat because I'm going to leave soon:cry: I guess I'll just have to starve:cry:

I'm not going to be on today because I'm going to the zoo in an hour or so:D I want to go, I just wish my teeth didn't hurt so much:x I'm going to be in such a bad mood:evil: I might even startthrowing sticks at the monkeys and peacocks:lol: Just kidding:P I would rather throw sticks at my sister:lol:

I'm not going to be on much tomorrow or Sunday either because I'm going to be reading the seventh Harry Potter book:D:D:D

1. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
2. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
3. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
4. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
5. Roll cat in towel. Work fast. Time and tabbies wait for no man (or woman).
6. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
7. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
8. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
9. Take two aspirins and lie down.

Has anyone read The Dark is Rising by Susan Cooper? I read it yesterday and it's really good!:D It reminds me alot of Harry Potter:? If you haven't read it yet, I suggest you do:D I'm glad they're making a movie of it:D Here is the trailer if you want to watch it:D

http://www.seekthesigns.com/main_US.html

I'm getting my top braces in just 3 hours:shock::cry: I'm excited about getting them, but I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain:(

Has anyone else had trouble giving their cat medication? I sure have!:lol: That's why I find this so funny:lol:

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor.

Name _____________________Date of Birth _____________

Height ______Weight______IQ_______GPA ____________

Social Security # _________Driver's License# _________

Boy Scout Rank and Badges _____________________________

Home Address ______________City/State ______Zip______

Do you have one male and one female parent? ___________

If no, please explain _________________________________

Number of years they have been married ________________

If less than your age, explain ________________________

Do you own:

A van? ___

A truck with oversized tires? ___

A waterbed? ___

A pickup with a mattress in the back? ___

A condom? ___

Pornography? ___

Do you have:

An earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? ___

A tattoo? ___

(If yes to any of the above, discontinue application and leave premises.)

In 50 words or less, what does late mean to you?
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does don't touch my daughter mean to you?
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does abstinence mean to you?
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________

Church you attend ____________________

How often you attend _________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother? _____________

Priest? _____________

Parole officer? _______

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be
_________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
_________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the _______________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
_____________________________________________________________

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is
__________________________________

Note: If answer E begins with T or A, discontinue application. Leaving premises, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion, is advised.

What do you want to do if you grow up?
_________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________

Condoms come in packages of (circle one):

A: 3

B: 6

C: 9

D: 12

E: All of the above

How do you know? ______________________________________________

I swear that all the information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of death, dismemberment, Native American ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, Chinese water torture, red hot pokers and Hillary Clinton kiss torture.

_____________________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).

Have a nice day.

I know this is really short, but I haven't got time to type a longer one because my sister wants the computer:evil: Sorry:(

1. The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.
2. If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
3. So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?
4. Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. "Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
5. Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.
6. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. "Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
7. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
8. Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.
9. No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
10. In God we trust, all others are suspects.