True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. (The driver owned the car.)

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.)

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body.)

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
4. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
5. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
6. Then I tried to be a chef (figured it would add a little spice to my life), but I just didn't have the thyme.
7. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
8. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
9. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
10. Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
11. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
12. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
13. For a while, I worked in a blanket factory, but it folded.
14. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
15. I got a job at a zoo, feeding giraffes, but I was fired, because I wasn't up to it.
16. So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
17. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
18. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
19. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Butter Pecan

If your favorite flavor is Butter Pecan, you might be characterized as the perfect worker. You are devoted, conscientious, respectful and fiscally conservative. You hold high standards for right and wrong and show integrity in all of your actions. This includes an extreme sensitivity for others' feelings. You aren't one to wear your heart on your sleeve; it takes a little encouragement from close friends and family to share your deepest thoughts.

Romantic Compatibility: You are most romantically compatible with those who prefer Mint Chocolate Chip.

Chocolate Chip

As a chocolate chip lover, you are competitive and accomplished; no victory is sweet without a little hard work. Although you are competent and ambitious in love and work, you are generous with your time and money, never taking your blessings for granted. Your captivating personality makes you a shining star in social situations.

Romantic Compatibility: You are most romantically compatible with those who prefer Butter Pecan or Double Chocolate Chunk

Coffee

As a coffee lover, you are lively, dramatic and flirtatious - thriving on the passion of the moment. Because you throw yourself into all that you do, you tend to be over-committed, starting new projects without finishing old ones. You tend to become bored by dull relationships and thrive on new and exciting ventures.

Romantic Compatibility: You are most compatible with those who prefer Strawberry.

Double Chocolate Chunk

If you love Double Chocolate Chunk, you tend to be lively, creative and dramatic. Always the life of the party, you charm everyone you meet with your enthusiasm and sense of **** You enjoy being in the spotlight and prefer to be in the company of friends rather than left alone to reflect on life. You prefer passion and excitement in your romantic relationships, and require a lot of attention from your mate.

Romantic Compatibility: You are most romantically compatible with those who prefer Butter Pecan or Chocolate Chip.

Mint Chocolate Chip

As a Mint Chocolate Chip lover, you tend to be ambitious and confident... yet a little skeptical about life. You are a realist who prepares for the future, needing a solid plan to feel secure. While your stubbornness is a business asset, it can add a challenging element to your relationships. Nonetheless, your loyalty, honesty and dependability create lasting friendships and close family ties.

Romantic Compatibility: You are most compatible with other Mint Chocolate Chip lovers.

Rocky Road

If you opt for the rich, indulgent taste of Rocky Road, you tend to be a balanced mixture of charm and practicality. While you are outgoing and engaging in social situations, in the business world you tend to be more aggressive and goal-oriented. You enjoy being catered to, and appreciate the finer things in life. You are very sensitive to minor slights and respond best to encouragement rather than criticism.

Romantic Compatibility: You are most compatible with other Rocky Road fans.

Strawberry

A love for strawberry reveals a thoughtful, logical person who carefully weighs each option before making decisions. More a follower than a leader, you are content and effective working behind the scenes and out of the limelight. In relationships, you are often characterized as shy and reserved. Although you don't fall head-over-heels in love at first sight, once you commit to a relationship, you are loyal and supportive.

Romantic Compatibility: You are most compatible with those who prefer Strawberry, Rocky Road, Mint Chocolate Chip and Vanilla.

Vanilla

There is nothing plain about Vanilla. In fact, if you love Vanilla, you are actually a colorful, dramatic risk taker who relies more on intuition than logic. Emotionally expressive and idealistic, you tend to set high goals for yourself, and push yourself to meet and exceed them. On the romantic front, you tend to rely on secure romantic relationships that fulfill your emotional needs while working toward future objectives.

Romantic Compatibility: You are most romantically compatible with those who prefer Rocky Road.

1. Sing along at the opera.
2. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
3. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
4. While driving your car, do your makeup, shave, eat, drink, read, or chat animatedly on your cell phone. Weave the car about to confirm you're not paying attention to the road.
5. On a bicycle, run stop signs in residential areas.
6. Drive down the street with all the windows down and the stereo all the way up. Be sure to pick music no one else likes, but should.
7. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
8. Pull up to the toll booth and tell them it's free Chevrolet day.
9. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
10. Honk and wave to strangers.
11. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
12. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
13. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green. Insist to others that you "like it that way."
14. Don't answer email.
15. Answer email with one-line responses and don't quote the source, so no one knows what you're talking about. Complain later that no one understands you or takes you seriously.
16. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
17. Start an argument about how AOL is best Internet provider.
18. Run a humor email list.
19. Find some guy and every time you encounter him, say, "Oops! Just a minute," go around behind him and adjust his tie under his collar.
20. Offer to hold someone's place in the grocery or bank line, then leave the line yourself after they're out of sight.
21. Take the last cookie, especially if you just took one.
22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23. Leave a long rambling message with an urgent demand and you be called back. Don't include your name and number.

1. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
4. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
5. Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
6. Wink rapidly in no particular direction.
7. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
8. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think" or "if you say so."
9. Practice making fax and modem noises.
10. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
11. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
12. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
13. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
14. "Do you hear that?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
15. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
16. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
17. Tell folk what you're going to do, ask their opinion, and if you get overwhelming advice to the contrary, do what you planned anyway.
18. Ask people what gender they are.
19. Correct people's spoken grammar, written grammar, spelling and punctuation in public.
20. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
21. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
22. type only in lowercase.
23. dont use any punctuation either

This is supposed to be a spoof off the Dr. Seuss books:lol:

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location -
I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and all its software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care ...
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am.
I'm the happiest slave of my uncle Sam. I

love this work. I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly men -
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!!!

I have recently been diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. (Advanced Absentminded Attention Deficit Disorder). This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car. I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.

OK, I'm going to wash the car, but first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail, and notice the trashcan is full.

OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk.

Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I have to put my coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for awhile.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye. They need some water. I set the coke on the counter, and uh oh ... There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning. I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots. Uh oh ... someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television, so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out, what it was I was going to do?

End of the Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half-watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys. When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I know I was busy all day long!!!!!

I love this holiday!:D I'm one of the biggest Patriots you will ever meet, so this is one of my favorite holidays:D Happy 4th of July!:D

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.