Celebrities walk on red carpet because they are famous. I walk on toilet paper because I am the sh*t.

Vini, Vedi, Velcro........I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Let's be pro-active in tackling stupidity. I propose we get rid of all silly safety warnings and signs and let nature take its course.

I may not be able to take it with me when I die but I can sure leave a lot of debt behind.

Whoever said 'whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger' obviously never spoke to someone with muscular dystrophy.

You know what they say about a person with a family history of chronic diahhrea? It runs in their genes.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

When money talks the truth keeps quiet.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Why are farts the butt of every joke?