1. A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
2. You can open all of your own jars.
3. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
4. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
5. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
6. You never have strap problems in public.
7. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
8. Everything on your face stays its original color.
9. The same hair styl* lasts for years, maybe even decades.
10. You only have to shave your face and neck.
11. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
12. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
13. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
14. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
15. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
16. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Men are just happier people, and here's why...

1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. You can never be pregnant.
5. Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
6. The world is your urinal.
7. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
8. Same work, more pay.
9. Wrinkles add character.
10. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
11. People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
12. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
13. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet as often.
14. Usually one mood all the time.
15. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone :oops: I thought it would be a good joke.

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a runway supermodel?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

I know I posted some of these a year or so ago, but I found some more! :D I cut out the really dirty ones so that's why there's numbers missing.

1. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

2. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

3. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

4. HI! Can I buy you a car?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

7. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."

10. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuk [Slap] HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?

12. I am a magical being, take off your bra.

13. My name is _______. That's so you know what to scream.

14. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

15. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

16. Fuk me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

17. That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor.

20. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.

I'm sorry if these offend anyone :oops:

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got really snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

7. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Don't you regret
installing Windows 95?

8. You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?

Wouldn't it be a pain if your work submitted this notice :lol:

Notice to Employees:
(includes part-time workers)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof of illness. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LUNCH
If you really must eat, eat at your desk. Any time spent heating lunch in the microwave will be deducted in five minute increments.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained and paid for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY I
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room ONLY once the contractions are five minutes apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to your departure.

This new benefit program started yesterday and all penalties will be retroactive.

The Management

I know it's a day late, but

HAPPY

4th

DANNYVERSARY!!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

#7: Alabama Changes the Value of Pi

The April 1998 issue of the New Mexicans for Science and Reason newsletter contained an article claiming that the Alabama state legislature had voted to change the value of the mathematical constant pi from 3.14159 to the "Biblical value" of 3.0. Before long the article had made its way onto the Internet, and then it rapidly made its way around the world, forwarded by people in their e-mail. It only became apparent how far the article had spread when the Alabama legislature began receiving hundreds of calls from people protesting the legislation. The original article, which was intended as a parody of legislative attempts to circumscribe the teaching of evolution, was written by a physicist named Mark Boslough.

#8: The Left-Handed Whopper

In 1998, Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new Whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day, Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right-handed' version."

#9: Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers

In its April 1995 issue, Discover Magazine announced that the highly respected wildlife biologist Dr. Aprile Pazzo had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. These fascinating creatures had bony plates on their heads that, fed by numerous blood vessels, could become burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speeds. They used this ability to hunt penguins, melting the ice beneath the penguins and causing them to sink downward into the resulting slush where the hotheads consumed them. After much research, Dr. Pazzo theorized that the hotheads might have been responsible for the mysterious disappearance of noted Antarctic explorer Philippe Poisson in 1837. "To the ice borers, he would have looked like a penguin," the article quoted her as saying. Discover received more mail in response to this article than they had received for any other article in their history.

#10: Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity

In 1976, the British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 a.m. a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen Earth's own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 a.m. arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her 11 friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.

#4: The Taco Liberty Bell

In 1996, the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

#5: San Serriffe

In 1977, the British newspaper The Guardian published a special seven-page supplement devoted to San Serriffe, a small republic located in the Indian Ocean consisting of several semi-colon-shaped islands. A series of articles affectionately described the geography and culture of this obscure nation. Its two main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse. Its capital was Bodoni, and its leader was General Pica. The Guardian's phones rang all day as readers sought more information about the idyllic holiday spot. Few noticed that everything about the island was named after printer's terminology. The success of this hoax is widely credited with launching the enthusiasm for April Foolery that gripped the British tabloids in subsequent decades.

#6: Nixon for President

In 1992, National Public Radio's "Talk of the Nation" program announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for president again. His new campaign slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." Accompanying this announcement were audio clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech. Listeners responded viscerally to the announcement, flooding the show with calls expressing shock and outrage. Only during the second half of the show did the host, John Hockenberry, reveal that the announcement was a practical joke. Nixon's voice was impersonated by comedian Rich Little.

#1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

In 1957, the respected BBC news show "Panorama" announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this, the BBC diplomatically replied that they should "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."

#2: Sidd Finch

In its April 1985 edition, Sports Illustrated published a story about a new rookie pitcher who planned to play for the Mets. His name was Sidd Finch, and he could reportedly throw a baseball at 168 mph with pinpoint accuracy. This was 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa." Mets fans celebrated their team's amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. But in reality, this legendary player only existed in the imagination of the author of the article, George Plimpton.

#3: Instant Color TV

In 1962, there was only one TV channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their TV screen. Stensson proceeded to demonstrate the process. Thousands of people were taken in. Regular color broadcasts only commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.