The following are actual stories told by travel agents...

A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

A client called inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response .... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

I know it's not Christmas, but I don't want to wait until December to show this list:lol:

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
11. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
12. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
13. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
14. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
15. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
16. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
17. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
18. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

I thought this was really stupid:lol:

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

6. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.

7. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

8. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

9. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

10. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

11. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate!

12. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

13. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans.  Bean = vegetable.

14. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS.  Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category.  Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

15. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy.  So candy bars are a health food.

16. If you ever wondered why there is no such thing as Choco - holics Anonymous, it is because no one wants to quit eating it, ever!

1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand what you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw up fairy has visited you again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean that you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday:roll: He looked inside my ears and still can not find anything wrong He says that this is just something that will have to work itself out He gave me another prescription for the pills I'm on now I have to take 2 a day, and then go down to 1 a day after a month or so. If my ears don't hurt then, I can stay off the pills, but if they still hurt at that time, then I need to go back and have him take a look again I don't know what I'm going to do

"Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing."

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

I get to go back to my ear specialist at 4:45 today:evil: It's 3:40 right now, so I have to leave in about 20 minutes because the hospital they're in is on the other side of town:cry: I wonder what will happen? I'll bet he'll take a look at my ear, tell me he can't find anything wrong, and then he'll write a prescription for some stupid pill that won't even work:evil: I'll post a comment here later this evening and tell you how it went:wink:

My aunt sent this to me and I thought it was really cute:D 

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust.. Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Uncle Eddie.

Did you guys hear about that MOMumental thing Nickelodeon is doing for Mother's Day? When I first heard that commercial, I started busting out laughing:lol: The way they pronounced it sounded like they were saying "Mom you mental":lol: It was like they were calling mothers mental:lol::lol::lol:

Benign - What you be after you be eight.

Artery - The study of paintings.

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.

Barium - What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.

CATscan - Searching for kitty.

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.

Colic - A sheep dog.

Coma - A punctuation mark.

D & C - Where Washington is.

Dilate - To live long.

Enema - Not a friend.

Fester - Quicker than someone else.

Fibula - A small lie.

Genital - Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series - World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.

Impotent - Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.

Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.

Node - I knew it.

Outpatient - A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear - A fatherhood test.

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative - A letter carrier.

Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.

Rectum - Darn near killed him.

Secretion - Hiding something.

Seizure - Roman emperor.

Tablet - A small table.

Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor - More than one.

Urine - Opposite of you're out.

Varicose - Near by/close by

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that in competency can be highly entertaining.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
16. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
17. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
18. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
19. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
20. The power pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

I know the title says there are 63 ways, but there isn't anymore:( Some of the ways were disgusting and not appropriate, so I had to delete them. Sorry!:P

43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he attempts to handcuff you.

44. When he frisks you, say "you missed a spot", and grin.

45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

46. Try to sell him your car.

47. Ask if you can buy his car.

48. If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.

49. Play with the siren.

50. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.

51. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

52. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in your own made up language.

53. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

54. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

55. Turn your head and whistle.

56. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.

57. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

58. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

59. Tell him you like men in uniform.

60. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

23. Trip and fall into him.

24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

26. Chew on the pen, nervously.

27. Clean your ear with the pen.

28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

31. Act like you speak another language and can't understand a word he says.

32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

33. Mumble to yourself.

34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......

36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

38. Ask if he watches Cops.

39. Ask if he ever watched Cop Rock.

40. Giggle if he did.

41. Talk to your hand.

42. Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.